My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
