Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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