I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
