I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
