i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
