I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
