I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I wish you could order shots online.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
