did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
