If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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