A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
