I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
