Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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