I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
