You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
