You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
And then my night got REAL pukey
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
