if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
