Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
not ubering you a puppy
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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