Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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