I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
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There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
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Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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