how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I think I just sharted jello shots
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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