Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
