No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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