Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
