OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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