how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
