Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
