I think I died a long time ago.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
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college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
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I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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