My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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