We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
