I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
