don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Sext me about skeletons
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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