he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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