Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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