Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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