Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
