Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
