I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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