I want to make a zoo with you.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
