My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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