ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
