When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
