go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
