she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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