youre lurking in front of me
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wish you could order shots online.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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