I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
