if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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