yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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