Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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