I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
