Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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