My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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