It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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